How to get a vampire to fall in love with you
by Vandylia
Summary: *WARINING: Only to be read if reader is willing to give their love away. And never get it back. It's an Irreversible Process.
1. Chapter 1

How to get a Vampire to fall in Love with you

by

Bella Blunt

*Note: The reader must be aware that the author is not responsible for any Serious Harm done to individuals who follow the advice.

Chapter 1: Noticing a vampire

Have you ever wondered why you've never seen an (1)actual vampire before?

Because they are infact human beings. Only their skin glistens when placed in direct sunlight and have irises that (2)change colour. Oh yea, and they also feast on blood.

Noticing a vampire is quite a difficult task. There might have been thousands you may have already seen; only you didn't know. Normal give-offs include:

-Immaculate attire; Tailor-made designer wear. Most popular labels amongst vampires include: Gucci, Burberry, Mui Mui

-Spotless skin.

-Very good bone structure

-Remarkable symmetry of form

-Attractive. They usually say 'Beauty is in the eye of the beholder'…but in this case, 'Beauty is in the eye of every beholder.'

-*Slight hint of dark circles under eyes (*Do no mistake this for smudged eye-liner)

-Pointy teeth

-And they are *cold. Ice cold. Literally. (Touching a vampire by surprise is not advisable. They have extraordinary reflexes.)

Vampire watching has become a popular sport amongst women in the age category of 15-22. We also have a club dedicated to the sole purpose of vampire watching. It is reported that over the last few months the no. of members has increased by 2.5 million on a global level. The Sports ministry has been considering turning it into a real sport; however there are some opposition groups who say that vampires should be left alone. To find out more information about this, head to VW Club, In The Middle Of A Dark Forest, Forks.

This brings us to the close of chapter one.

Good luck!

(1)It is reported that there are at least a hundred thousand unlicensed vampires roaming the earth.

(2)this is not noticeable unless you stare at them up-close.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

How to Attract a Vampire

By

Bella Blunt

Now, this is the trickiest part of them all. Mainly because it is the vampire who gets attracted to you, not the other way around(1).

Tempting a vampire is the most easiest thing to do. But tempting a vampire without getting yourself killed in the process of doing so is a lot harder than it seems. There is a lot than meets the eye. The eye of a human being. Especially the eye of an over-eager teenage human being. However, this chapter provides a step-by-step guide which will, if followed carefully result in the reader obtaining the *Desired Result.

(*Reader must be willing to dedicate life and soul)

#1 You must appear uninterested. This is often hard to do; especially keeping your eyes averted. In this case, a distraction of any kind will seem useful.

#2 Try to block your thoughts. Because if you did not already know when you started to read this, vampires are capable of reading your innermost thoughts. Meditation is advisable. Breathe in Breathe out. Just focus your thoughts this one unimportant thing. Vampires get *irritated when they cannot read their victim's--I mean your thoughts.

#3 Arrange a situation where you are 'supposedly' placed in great danger. For instance; you could stand in the middle of a road and ask your friend to drive straight at you. (Of course, if the (2)vampire does not arrive in time to rescue you, you must save yourself)

#4 Try to by as klutzy as you possibly can. Trip over steps; drop your books; run into vehicles; run around with sharp objects in your hands; be as uncoordinated as you can

#5 Try not to let a vampire know that you 'know' about their little

secret. Makes it all the more dramatic.

#6 Try to assume an air of helplessness. Vampires like it when you hand over all of the authority to them. They are very domineering.

Right, that's about it for now. Be on the lookout for chapter 3: Taking it Up a Notch.

(1)This has only happened in extremely rare cases

(2) The vampire will only rescue you only if he/she is willing to spare you.


End file.
